Already Gone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ4fkyX_Fs0

Check out the video by Kelly Clarkson--Already Gone.  It describes my life perfectly right now. 

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Remember all the things we wanted

Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone


Till next time,

Beck

How do you fix a broken heart?

My heart is broken into a million pieces  I am trying so hard to "just move on" as everyone says.  It is just so painful.  I told Jake to move out on Friday.  I just felt tired of feeling like the only reason he was here was for a free place to stay.  I didn't feel loved or appreciated.  I hated all the fighting.  I was resentful for the things he didn't do and should have done and it created more tension between us and so finally it boiled over until I could take it no more and I told him I wanted him out.  I want to be with someone who loves me with all of their heart, who wants to marry me, have a family with me, help me and be my partner in life, laugh with me, and grow old with me.  Jake and I were not going towards those things and so it was time for us to move on.  I still love Jake and I hope that we both find happiness.  One of the hardest things about this break-up is how it will affect Payton.  I do not want him hurt in all of this.  I know my time with him will be less and it tears me up inside because I love him so much.  He is like my own child and that is how I think of him.  I hope that we continue to have a relationship beause it would really hurt me if we did not.  I know that I have lots of friends and family who will help me through this.  I also know that now more than ever is the time when I need to stay strong in my faith and lean on the Lord because he can and will bring me through it. 

Till next time........


Beck

933.54 miles

That's how far away my sister will be when she moves to NM in two days.  I won't be able to call her up and say "Hey I'm gonna be at mom and dad's tonight--wanna come down and hang out?"  So there is all this talk about webcams--but it won't be the same.  It won't be like I can hug her over a webcam.  I miss her already and she hasn't even left yet.  Two days.   I know she doesn't want to go so that makes it worse.  God give us all strength.  Then there is the situation at school.  I just don't know how much longer I can do this.  I feel like this one child is ruining the education and Kindergarten experience of 21 other children.  It is not fair.  I spend all this time and energy doing everything I can for him and I feel like it is not working.  When is it going to change?  When will the other students take priority over him?  I am so frustrated!  Again, Lord give me strength to make it through this year.  Till next time.....


Beck

What do you say?

What do you say to your little sister when she tells you she doesn't want to move and she knows she is going to be miserable but she is doing it "for her husband"? I tried to find the right words--words to comfort, words to support, words to show her I love her and will always be here when she needs me--but I can see the pain in her eyes. This is not what she wants. She is giving up everything for him. I hope he realizes just how much she loves him. I hope that this doesn't break them. I wonder why he agreed to move here and then proposed to her and then suddenly a magical opportunity arose where they had to move to New Mexico for him to be successful in filmmaking. I just don't get it. Is that what he was planning all along and he thought if they were married it would make it easier? I know I am not being fair to him and I really do love Dyl. He is my brother now but he is also taking my sister thousands of miles away too. How can I not be upset? I dunno--just my day to vent I guess. It helps to get it all out. Crys and I went to the Tonka game last night and that was fun--brought back many high school memories. It also gave me and sissy a time to have some much needed sister time and we had a great time. She also told me she wants to find a church when she gets down to NM so praise the Lord for that. I hope she can really find one that speaks truth and doesn't sugar coat things. I love my sister and I want only the best for her. I want her to go to a church where she can hear a true message and feel God's overwhelming love. I want her to have her time with God. I am so thankful for what God has done for me and I know that if anything will be able to get my sister through this trial which she is about to face, it is God. He is getting me through the toughest Kindergarten class I have ever had. I also know he will never give us more than we can handle. I love you sissy. Till next time.....


Beck

Love Dare

I am at a point in my relationship where things aren't going well. We are in this cycle of having these huge, knock-down, drag-out arguments where I don't know where anything stands and then suddenly things are fine and normal (whatever that is) for a few days. I am emotionally drained. I love Jake and Payton more than anything but don't know how much longer I can do this. I have mentioned counseling which Jake refuses to do. I saw the movie Fireproof and came across the Love Dare book and thought this was something that might help get us back on track. Jake doesn't seem too interested in it but said he would think about it. I just want us to get back to where we were. I am tired of the fighting. I know that we are both unhappy and neither of us want to live our lives that way. But don't want to give up too soon either. I just pray that we find some way back to the love and respect we once had for each other. I know that if it is meant to be, it will be. And if not,..................................:(

Till next time,
Beck

Calgon Take Me Away........................

Here is a family pic of me and my boys.

So the wedding was beautiful! My baby sister is married--wow that is weird to say. I'm kinda sad cause I feel like she is all grown up now and doesn't need big sis anymore. I remember how she used to follow me around always wanting to do what I did---like I was something special and now she's all grown up and married. It takes a second for that to register. I am so happy that she found such a good guy like Dyl because I know that he loves her so much and will treat her the way she deserves and for that I thank God. Okay I am getting all emotional so I am moving on to other subjects.

Kindergarten took a field trip to Deanna Rose Farmstead today and had a fun time. Then the Davidson Fiesta was tonight and let me just say I am exhausted. I am also stressing out about report cards, end of the year awards, and the million other things I have to get done before school is out. Please dear Lord give me strength to get through the next two weeks without having a meltdown.

Daddy is doing pretty good. He has good days and bad but you can't keep him down. He took off to the farm to do some work today so just goes to show you his work ethic. ie (broken vertebrae=still working his butt off) Most people who are perfectly fine don't work as hard as my daddy on his worst days. Okay I think I have vented enough tonight. Till next time......

Beck

Don't Cry Daddy

So, let me start by saying things could have been so much worse. My dad was backing the 4wheeler off of the truck this afternoon and he went to put the brake on and it flipped up and back and he and the 4 wheeler went straight off the back of the truck upside down onto asphalt. He landed on his back with the 4wheeler on top of him and he heard something pop in his back. He pushed the 4wheeler off of him and laid there in pain for a few seconds. Then when he realized he could still move, he rolled over and managed to get on the 4 wheeler and drive it in the garage and come around up to the front of the house and get inside to my gma and tell her what had happened before going to the bedroom and collapsing in the bed. We took him to the ER and he has a compression fracture in the 4th lumbar vertebrae in his lower back. His main concern was walking my sis down the aisle in 9 days. He kept getting emotional about it and we had to calm him down and tell him it would be okay. My dad always worried about someone else. Thank you God for not letting this be any worse. Now if we can just make it through the next week of a Bachelorette Party, Dress Fitting and Rehearsal, and The Big Wedding without any major hitches, then we will be okay. God you are good.

Till next time.

Beck

Snake Saturday + Gypsy Hippies=Fun For All

So Snake Saturday I went to the parade with Lis and Matt. We had a good time. I saw some old friends and we even went to the old hangout Bar 12. It brought back many memories and makes me feel really old. I saw a kid I had in Kindergarten at Crestview and he must be 15 or 16 now. Crazy! That night, I met Linny and Missy up at the Falloon to watch the Gypsy Hippies play. Zerl is the drummer in the band. The band sounded great and we had a great time. The bar got packed. It was crazy busy. Jeffy came up, as did Dave and Elisa. All in all a great night. I know the hours and Jake being on his feet for so long is killing him but I know that he loves the job so I am really happy for him. I feel like things are finally falling into place. I had an amazing day with Payton and Jake was able to take off for a few hours to spend with us at the park and at home. It was great. Spring Break is here and I have to get the house clean and my taxes done but other than that life is good. I am worried about my sister. She has been sick alot and is not sure what is wrong. Hopefully we will find out soon. Till next time.

Beck

Who's the idiot that left the car running in the garage?

That would be me. I don't know what happened. I had a lot on my mind what with Crystal now deciding to move back to NM and our field trip on Thurs. and the Falloon reopening so I hurried home from my parent's house Wed. night to see Jake and pulled in the garage and closed the garage door. I grabbed my purse and phone, hopped out of the car, while it was still running and the lights were still on, and went into the house. The next morning I wake up at 6:50 to a gas smell so I go check the furnace and that is not it. I go in and tell Jake to get up and ask him if he smells anything and his response was "GAS!" He said he thought he smelled something last night but then didn't smell it later so assumed he dreamed it. I tell him to call the gas co. cause I have a field trip and can't be late (such a teacher) and jump in the shower. A few minutes later he comes in to tell me that he found the gas smell--my car was running and had been all night in the garage. I still didn't think I left it running. I thought maybe the autostart had been hit but when he was finally able to hit the door to open and get out to the car through all the gas and heat, my keys were in the ignition and were really hot because I had also left my heat on. I know I get the award for all time moron. So thank God we are alive--Payton was not with us that night and Barkley is ok. I don't know what I would do if something happened to Pay and it was my fault. We are all good though by some miracle of God. Till next time.

Beck

Ready for Spring Break

So there are two weeks left till Spring Break and I have a ton of stuff to do. I have meetings and a Kindergarten program, Parent Teacher Conferences, a dentist appt. , and I have to help my sis get ready for her wedding. Also Jake is helping Robert get the Granfalloon ready to reopen so I went and helped with that too. I also just found out that Leah (my principal) wants me to be the PBS coach for our school next year so I am going to be attending a training on that with her next week. Busy, busy, busy! Over Spring Break, I have two doctor's appts. and an appt. with my tax guy. Plus we can't forget plans on Snake Sat. with the gang. Is there enough time in the day for all of this stuff? I am beginning to think not. Till next time.

Beck

My Life Would Suck Without You

Check out this video by Kelly Clarkson----Jake this is for you. I love you always.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bap-oZI-Grc

Till next time.

Beck

The Name

So where did my blog name come from some of you may be wondering? My friends, Amy, Kate, and I were goofing around in high school and talked about starting a girls band called Atomic Daisy. I was going to play the spoons and sing. Amy and I just talked about it the other day and when I was trying to think of blog names-it popped into my head so I thought it was perfect. Wonder if we'll ever start that band. :) haha. Till next time.

Beck

First timer

Wow! My first blog. I can't believe it has taken me this long to finally start blogging but I have finally succumbed. Call it peer pressure--call it stress--call it a need to vent but I am now a member of the world of online diaries. This week has been full of ups and downs--I have lost 8 lbs. over the last month, my sis is getting married in May and I am having relationship issues. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I am praying to God to help me make heads or tails of my life. I know he is listening--I just hope he gives me an answer I can handle. Till next time.

Beck