It's a Good Life

What else can I say?  My life is so good right now.  I am finally happy after what seems like an eternity of misery.  I am no longer in the ups and downs and wondering who I am going to come home to.  I come home to my dog who is always happy to see me.  I am happy with the choice I made a little over a month ago.  I haven't looked back but instead tried to move forward and get my life in order.  I am going to the gym, spending time with friends and family, focusing on my job, getting my finances in order, and taking care of me.  That's right----I am taking care of me----putting me first for the first time in I don't know how long.  It feels good.  I am trusting in God to lead me where I need to go and I feel good about myself and my life.  I am enjoying life and all it has to offer.  I miss my sister but am so happy for the personal journey she is on.  Many prayers have been answered for her.  I am so thankful for the time I get to have with Payton and I try to make the most of it.  We have a blast when we are together and he is such an awesome kid.  I love him so much!  Now if I can just figure out what I am going to do about my job, I will be okay.  Till next time....

Beck

Already Gone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ4fkyX_Fs0

Check out the video by Kelly Clarkson--Already Gone.  It describes my life perfectly right now. 

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Remember all the things we wanted

Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone


Till next time,

Beck

How do you fix a broken heart?

My heart is broken into a million pieces  I am trying so hard to "just move on" as everyone says.  It is just so painful.  I told Jake to move out on Friday.  I just felt tired of feeling like the only reason he was here was for a free place to stay.  I didn't feel loved or appreciated.  I hated all the fighting.  I was resentful for the things he didn't do and should have done and it created more tension between us and so finally it boiled over until I could take it no more and I told him I wanted him out.  I want to be with someone who loves me with all of their heart, who wants to marry me, have a family with me, help me and be my partner in life, laugh with me, and grow old with me.  Jake and I were not going towards those things and so it was time for us to move on.  I still love Jake and I hope that we both find happiness.  One of the hardest things about this break-up is how it will affect Payton.  I do not want him hurt in all of this.  I know my time with him will be less and it tears me up inside because I love him so much.  He is like my own child and that is how I think of him.  I hope that we continue to have a relationship beause it would really hurt me if we did not.  I know that I have lots of friends and family who will help me through this.  I also know that now more than ever is the time when I need to stay strong in my faith and lean on the Lord because he can and will bring me through it. 

Till next time........


Beck

933.54 miles

That's how far away my sister will be when she moves to NM in two days.  I won't be able to call her up and say "Hey I'm gonna be at mom and dad's tonight--wanna come down and hang out?"  So there is all this talk about webcams--but it won't be the same.  It won't be like I can hug her over a webcam.  I miss her already and she hasn't even left yet.  Two days.   I know she doesn't want to go so that makes it worse.  God give us all strength.  Then there is the situation at school.  I just don't know how much longer I can do this.  I feel like this one child is ruining the education and Kindergarten experience of 21 other children.  It is not fair.  I spend all this time and energy doing everything I can for him and I feel like it is not working.  When is it going to change?  When will the other students take priority over him?  I am so frustrated!  Again, Lord give me strength to make it through this year.  Till next time.....


Beck

What do you say?

What do you say to your little sister when she tells you she doesn't want to move and she knows she is going to be miserable but she is doing it "for her husband"? I tried to find the right words--words to comfort, words to support, words to show her I love her and will always be here when she needs me--but I can see the pain in her eyes. This is not what she wants. She is giving up everything for him. I hope he realizes just how much she loves him. I hope that this doesn't break them. I wonder why he agreed to move here and then proposed to her and then suddenly a magical opportunity arose where they had to move to New Mexico for him to be successful in filmmaking. I just don't get it. Is that what he was planning all along and he thought if they were married it would make it easier? I know I am not being fair to him and I really do love Dyl. He is my brother now but he is also taking my sister thousands of miles away too. How can I not be upset? I dunno--just my day to vent I guess. It helps to get it all out. Crys and I went to the Tonka game last night and that was fun--brought back many high school memories. It also gave me and sissy a time to have some much needed sister time and we had a great time. She also told me she wants to find a church when she gets down to NM so praise the Lord for that. I hope she can really find one that speaks truth and doesn't sugar coat things. I love my sister and I want only the best for her. I want her to go to a church where she can hear a true message and feel God's overwhelming love. I want her to have her time with God. I am so thankful for what God has done for me and I know that if anything will be able to get my sister through this trial which she is about to face, it is God. He is getting me through the toughest Kindergarten class I have ever had. I also know he will never give us more than we can handle. I love you sissy. Till next time.....


Beck

Love Dare

I am at a point in my relationship where things aren't going well. We are in this cycle of having these huge, knock-down, drag-out arguments where I don't know where anything stands and then suddenly things are fine and normal (whatever that is) for a few days. I am emotionally drained. I love Jake and Payton more than anything but don't know how much longer I can do this. I have mentioned counseling which Jake refuses to do. I saw the movie Fireproof and came across the Love Dare book and thought this was something that might help get us back on track. Jake doesn't seem too interested in it but said he would think about it. I just want us to get back to where we were. I am tired of the fighting. I know that we are both unhappy and neither of us want to live our lives that way. But don't want to give up too soon either. I just pray that we find some way back to the love and respect we once had for each other. I know that if it is meant to be, it will be. And if not,..................................:(

Till next time,
Beck

Calgon Take Me Away........................

Here is a family pic of me and my boys.

So the wedding was beautiful! My baby sister is married--wow that is weird to say. I'm kinda sad cause I feel like she is all grown up now and doesn't need big sis anymore. I remember how she used to follow me around always wanting to do what I did---like I was something special and now she's all grown up and married. It takes a second for that to register. I am so happy that she found such a good guy like Dyl because I know that he loves her so much and will treat her the way she deserves and for that I thank God. Okay I am getting all emotional so I am moving on to other subjects.

Kindergarten took a field trip to Deanna Rose Farmstead today and had a fun time. Then the Davidson Fiesta was tonight and let me just say I am exhausted. I am also stressing out about report cards, end of the year awards, and the million other things I have to get done before school is out. Please dear Lord give me strength to get through the next two weeks without having a meltdown.

Daddy is doing pretty good. He has good days and bad but you can't keep him down. He took off to the farm to do some work today so just goes to show you his work ethic. ie (broken vertebrae=still working his butt off) Most people who are perfectly fine don't work as hard as my daddy on his worst days. Okay I think I have vented enough tonight. Till next time......

Beck