Invisible

She's standing on the edge of darkness
One step and she will plummet into nothingness
So easy yet so hard at the same time
A multitude of others left behind
All her hopes and dreams gone in a flash
Would they miss her?
She inches closer to her answer
Tears stream down her face
She turns away frightened at her contemplation
She can't even do this right.

One Crazy Happy Summer

I cannot believe that this summer is almost over already!  It is the end of July and in less than a month I will be back in the classroom with 20 something little faces looking to me for instruction and guidance.  Scary huh?  My summer has been happy, sad, fun, lazy, exciting, and crazy.  One thing it has not been is boring!  It started with my sis surprising me by showing up a week early at my jewelry party and then she stayed for most of the month of June!  I had a fantastic time with her while she was here.  Sadly June was also the month that we lost Granny Wheeler.  :-(  She fought for a long time and then finally left us to be with Grandpa on Father's Day June 20th, 2010 also mom and dad's anniversary.  It was expected and we knew she was in a better place but it was still very hard to lose her.  April and I sang I'll Fly Away at the funeral and I was proud to do that for Granny.   Afterwards, we all sort of slowly have drifted back into our lives.  Crys, Heather, Amber, Erin, Krystal and I all went to see Eclipse and I must say I am hooked on all that stuff.  Never thought I would be but I am..LOL.  Then it was time for Crys to go back to her new home in NM and I bawled like a baby all the way home from the airport.   I miss her immensely!   Heather and I have been going out all the time and staying out way too late.  Probably why I sleep all day--lol!  We go out Wed. for karaoke at Harley's and Horses and then Thurs. to Bar 12 for poker which I won last week!  Then we go to Aces or Brewtop on the weekends usually.  Good times! Mary is home from Europe!  I am so glad she had such an amazing experience and am so envious of her!  :-)  Sat. night Leeanne and I went to the MercyMe concert and it was awesome and then Sunday  we all hung out at Aunt Kelly's for game night and had a blast.   Tonight I had Payton and we had a fun evening of dinner, ice cream and mini golf.  Tomorrow I am going back to work in my classroom----Boo!  Then on Friday, Ty and I are leaving for NM to spend a week and a half with Crys and Dyl.  I am so excited!   I hope Ty and I do not kill each other on the 15 hour drive down there and make it safely!  ;-)  I also hope that we have a blast!   As for this crazy summer, it is also the first time in several years where I have actually felt true happiness!  I am happy to be free, happy to be independent, happy to be self-sufficient, happy to be successful, happy to be a friend, a sister, a daughter, a step-mom (in Payton's eyes),  a grand daughter,  a christian, a teacher,  just happy to be me!

Till next time...........

Hallelujah recorded by Beck | -MySpace Karaoke

Hallelujah recorded by Beck -MySpace Karaoke: "MySpace Karaoke video/audio recording of Alexandra Burkes Hallelujah, as performed by Beck. Watch it on MySpace Karaoke. Think you can do better? Record your version now!"

One Year Ago

One year ago, my little sister was getting ready to get married.  In 2 days, it will be her one year anniversary.  So happy for her and Dyl.  They have made a good life in NM even though I miss them like crazy.  Wow, a lot has happened in a year.  I broke up with Jake and told him to move out.  I have lost 22.5lbs.  I have had the worst Kdgn. class of my career.  I have started dating again.  I have found my way back to God.  I go to church religiously on Wed. and Sun. and I volunteer with the Mission and Harvesters.  I feel like my life is finally back on track.  I am finally happy for the first time in several years.  Sadly, I wish I would have ended things with Jake a lot earlier than I did.  For some reason, I just kept trying to hang on--thinking he would change or we could work things out.  When really, we were never meant to be.  I wish I would have realized that a few years ago and saved us all some heartache and pain.  Not to mention money.  The hardest part of all of this is the lack of time with Payton and watching him get shuffled back and forth, seeing the effects that it is having on him and seeing his behavior worsen.  :(  I love him so much and want the best for him. He told me the other day that he didn't want another step-mom, only me.  It was really sweet and it brought tears to my eyes.  I know it is hard for him to understand that his parents are divorced and now his dad and I are no longer together and he just doesn't get all of it.  I just want him to know how much I love him and always will.  My dad is also not doing so great--he is having a lot of touble with his back and hips.  I am sure he will eventually need surgery if he will ever let them do it.  He is in almost constant pain and it is really bad at night--most nights he can't sleep because of it.  :(  He just takes on so much and has so much to do and worry about.  I worry about him.  We had a great Easter.  Sissy came up from NM and the whole fam. came to church with me and it was really great.  I loved that they came down there and Pay was there too.  :)  I taught the Sun. school class for the kiddos cause Leeanne was in Amsterdam visiting Mary.  We planted flowers in cups and the kids did really good.  We are nearing the end of school --only 20 days left and there is so much left to do.  I hope I get it all done.  Well this is it till next time.......

Beck

It's a Good Life

What else can I say?  My life is so good right now.  I am finally happy after what seems like an eternity of misery.  I am no longer in the ups and downs and wondering who I am going to come home to.  I come home to my dog who is always happy to see me.  I am happy with the choice I made a little over a month ago.  I haven't looked back but instead tried to move forward and get my life in order.  I am going to the gym, spending time with friends and family, focusing on my job, getting my finances in order, and taking care of me.  That's right----I am taking care of me----putting me first for the first time in I don't know how long.  It feels good.  I am trusting in God to lead me where I need to go and I feel good about myself and my life.  I am enjoying life and all it has to offer.  I miss my sister but am so happy for the personal journey she is on.  Many prayers have been answered for her.  I am so thankful for the time I get to have with Payton and I try to make the most of it.  We have a blast when we are together and he is such an awesome kid.  I love him so much!  Now if I can just figure out what I am going to do about my job, I will be okay.  Till next time....

Beck

Already Gone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZ4fkyX_Fs0

Check out the video by Kelly Clarkson--Already Gone.  It describes my life perfectly right now. 

Here are the lyrics to the song:

Remember all the things we wanted

Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone


Till next time,

Beck

How do you fix a broken heart?

My heart is broken into a million pieces  I am trying so hard to "just move on" as everyone says.  It is just so painful.  I told Jake to move out on Friday.  I just felt tired of feeling like the only reason he was here was for a free place to stay.  I didn't feel loved or appreciated.  I hated all the fighting.  I was resentful for the things he didn't do and should have done and it created more tension between us and so finally it boiled over until I could take it no more and I told him I wanted him out.  I want to be with someone who loves me with all of their heart, who wants to marry me, have a family with me, help me and be my partner in life, laugh with me, and grow old with me.  Jake and I were not going towards those things and so it was time for us to move on.  I still love Jake and I hope that we both find happiness.  One of the hardest things about this break-up is how it will affect Payton.  I do not want him hurt in all of this.  I know my time with him will be less and it tears me up inside because I love him so much.  He is like my own child and that is how I think of him.  I hope that we continue to have a relationship beause it would really hurt me if we did not.  I know that I have lots of friends and family who will help me through this.  I also know that now more than ever is the time when I need to stay strong in my faith and lean on the Lord because he can and will bring me through it. 

Till next time........


Beck