Never Alone

So last Sunday at church, I sang a song for Payton called Never Alone.  It is a song about how you're never alone because the person is always in your heart no matter where you are.  It is a beautiful song.  I always close my eyes when I sing so when I opened them halfway through the song, I saw that Payton was crying and wiping his eyes.  This is a pretty unusual reaction for a 9 year old boy in front of an entire church crowd.  Payton is no ordinary 9 year old boy.  He is so astute and he has such a tender heart.  Yesterday when I picked him up from the sitter, I asked him why he had cried.  He said that the song showed him how much I loved him and that he was crying tears of joy.  I about started bawling again.  I told him he was right that I loved him so so much and that I would always love him no matter what.  We also talked about how I would never try to replace his mom because I know how special she is to him but that even though I didn't give birth to him, I loved him like he was my own child.  He said he knew that and we changed the conversation.  I will never be able to put into words how much my heart soared yesterday.  I know that Payton knows how much I love him and that no matter where I am and where he is or how many years older he gets, that I will always love him times a million to the moon and back. 
     In other news, I met with my principals about my new PreK position for next year and I am so so so excited about what is to come for me.  I cannot wait to start my new job.  35 school days left of being a Kindergarten teacher.  It is exciting and at the same time a little bittersweet.  I will miss my team but will be excited to branch out on my own (with an aide) and see what sorts of great things I can bring to PreK.  I am also very thankful for my PreK contacts who are going to be a huge support system for showing me the ropes as I take this new journey. 
     On another note, not sure what is going on with the house I put an offer on.  My offer was accepted and then another buyer put an offer in and they said they would take the highest bid.  I was angry and frustrated at this and have contacted several folks to help me in this situation.  Claire McCaskill's office is putting a federal inquiry into Fannie Mae about this.  I am not sure if that will help or not but I am standing on principle here.  I know God will put me where he wants me so I am just trying not to worry and trust in him.  I am very excited for all of the amazing things going on in my life.  I have lost 19lbs.  I feel great and have started Couch to 5K.  I feel so blessed.  I am so ready for what life has in store for me.  I always had this plan that I wanted to get married and have a few kids and although I still want those things desperately, I am trusting the plan that God has for me.  That may not be in the cards for me.   As heartbreaking as that may be, I will trust his plan whatever that is.    Till next time,

Beck

This Girl Is On Fire

So it has been a tough few months for my family.  My little sister miscarried earlier this month.  It is one of the hardest things our family has been through. Some may wonder why I was so upset or why I was feeling so glum for so long but not only was I so so so sad for the loss of this child who was to be my niece or nephew but I was totally devastated for the pain my sis and her hubs were going though.  I know how much they want a child and how hard they have had to work at it.  I am inspired by their faith and committment to Christ through this terrible tragedy.  It is so hard to see people who take pregnancy for granted and have babies in terrible conditions and then see my sis and bro who so  want a baby and work so hard at it and would do anything to have a child go through something so horrible.  It is something that I am working on praying about so that my heart is not bitter.  I know good things will happen for them and they will get the desires of their heart in God's own perfect time but that doesn't always make it easy when dealing with such a delicate loss. 
During this rough time, I had a spring break and really just needed to get away from KC for a while and try to relax.  This has been an extremely tough year for me in many ways and I just needed a break from all of it.  I was able to go to South Carolina with my mom and we had as good of a time as we could with both of us missing my sis and wishing she was with us.  I was glad to get away but also glad to get back home.  Right before I left, I interviewed for the PreK position at Davidson next year.  It was tough for me because I was up against some very close friends and I didn't want any of us to get hurt by not getting the job.  I really really wanted it though.  I just needed a change.  I am pleased to report that after an hour long interview, I was notified within the next 30 min. that I was being offered the position.  I was elated but it was also bittersweet as I was bummed for my friends.  As I have always said, God always puts me where he wants me so I believe in my heart that this is what he wanted for me.  I am so grateful for the opportunity ahead and know that great things are to come next year.  On another very exciting note, I am in the process of purchasing a new home not far from my current home.  It is a much bigger house and much much nicer than my current one.  I have worked hard for 13 years and saved up and I think I have earned it.  I am so excited to be able to have my friends over to hang out (my current house is way to small to do this).  God is so good and his blessings are overflowing in my life.  I cannot wait to see what else he has in store for me if I trust in him.  I had a great night out with my oldest and dearest friend last night.  We chatted for 3 and a half hours about everything under the sun.  I miss her so much.  We def. do not see each other enough.  That is going to change.  I am very thankful for all my friends and family right now esp. the ones who have been there for me in the good and bad times, not judging or talking about me behind my back.  I am thankful for the true people in my life.  They are the ones who matter the most.  I will keep you all posted on any new happenings with the house or new job.

Till next time,
Beck

God is so so good.

So Friday I had to go in for a single balloon enteroscopy.  I was pretty nervous about the procedure just cause I have never been put out before.  Dad took me and we prayed together in the waiting room before they took me back to a room.  Then, they put an IV in after two tries.  (My poor arms look like pin cushions)  Finally they took me back to do the procedure.  I was trying to be strong and not cry so as not to upset my pop.  The doctor was very nice and the anesthesiologist said this will sting a bit and then you will be asleep.  I began to pray and then I was out.  I woke up later and the procedure was all done.  The doc came in and told me all was well and I didn't have anything serious.  They think I had viral bacterial enteritis last week and that is why I went into the hospital.  They did not seem worried about it.  I guess I am all better now.  Yay!  I am ready to get back to my routines and working out.  I am going to start slowly and work my way back up.  I am so excited that I am going to be an aunt. I keep seeing things that I want to buy for the baby but I have kept my cool and only bought one thing so far.  On the work front, I put in for a transfer to early childhood.  I am really hoping to get the PreK position at Davidson but I know others have applied for that as well.    I am trusting that God will put me where he wants me.  One of my student's sister was in an accident this weekend.  She fell and hit her head and is in the hospital with a blood clot on her brain.  I am praying for this family and hope that all turns out well.  Jake and I put Pay's drums together today and I think we did pretty good for having never done that before.  There are a few things we couldn't figure out so Zerl is supposed to come over soon and help us finish it up.  So Valentine's Day is coming soon and it looks as though I'll be flying solo once again.  :(  If so, I am taking myself out for a massage.  I deserve it!  Till next time,

Beck

Sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!

So thought I should update everyone on my current health crisis!  On Monday night, I was having severe stomach pains and bloating (third time this has happened and the 2nd time this month) so my mom took me to the ER.  After sitting in the er for over an hour, I began to vomit over and over from the pain.  After another half an hour in the waiting room, they took me back to a curtain.  After another 30 min of nurses and docs coming in to look at me and talk to me, they gave me some pain meds.  The did a cat scan.   They told me my jueojenum (sp) was swollen and irritated, a bile duct in my gall bladder was swollen and irritated and that I had fluid in my belly.  They decided to admit me.  After a long night of restless sleep, I spent most of Tuesday with no food as they were trying to decide what tests to run on me.  Finally at 2:30 in the afternoon I was allowed to eat.  A doctor came to see me at 5:30pm and told me that the next day they would be doing an MRCP (MRI of my belly) and a pervic ultrasound.  I was like ok.  So after another restless night in a hospital bed, (and me having to call my dad to bring my wrist band to me at 1:30am because my carpal tunnel had made my hand go numb and hurt so bad that I could not sleep) they came to get me a 9:30 for the MRCP.  They had given me ativan to calm me down but it didn't work and I went into a screaming fit when they put me in the MRI tube.   They pulled me back out and gave me more ativan and waited 15 more minutes.  I still felt like I was gonna freak but I knew I had to get through it and that I did with thoughts of my lil sis and her baby.  I just focused on that and prayed for God to help me make it through.  After what seemed like an eternity (40 min.)  they pulled me out and took me back upstairs to my pop.  Next I waited for about 30 more min. until they came to get me for the next test which I thought would be a breeze.  Once I got down for what I thought was just an ultrasound, I was informed that once they located the fluid in my belly they would drain it with a needle/catheder.  I tried not to hyperventilate.  After 3 different ladies had ultrasounded my belly, they announced that there was not enough fluid to drain. (Big sigh of relief here!!!)  They wheeled me back up to my pops who was waiting and praying that I would make it through the procedure (he knew the whole time that they were planning to drain my tummy but didn't want to scare me by telling me).  Again we waited until the doc came in to tell me the results of the MRCP.  He said that the swelling had gone down and everything looked good.   (OK great, now what is wrong with me?)  They wanted me to have another test called and enteroscopy (a camera down my throat into my small intestine to look at it and take a biopsy of the lining) .  Sounds like a total blast huh?   I said ok let's do it.  Ummm, sorry I can't squeeze you in until Monday.   Gee thanks!  I explained that I wanted to go back to work and the doc said I could leave if there was no stomach pain.  I wanted to get the heck out of the hospital.  He left and so did my dad and I waited for discharge papers.  My momma came to pick me up and I called the nurse to tell her I was ready to blow this popscicle stand.  They got my papers and let me out and me and momma went to get the 19 (okay 3) medicines that put me on.  My appt. for the enteroscopy is scheduled for next Friday morning where my mom or dad will have to drive me since I will be sedated during the procedure and unable to drive afterwards.   Since I've been out, my left hand and wrist have swollen up and are in intense pain.  I think the IV leaked into the tissues in my arm and wrist and that is causing the swelling and pain.  Hope it goes away soon!  While in the hospital, my dad came to my house and took care of my dog and my dishes (pretty great huh?) and my mom doted on me and has tried to stock me with  things I am able to eat (she's the best!) since they put me on a low fiber diet.  I am ticked about this because alot of my healthy foods, (salads, fresh fruits and veggies, wheat bread, etc.. ) are high in fiber.  Also I've been instructed (by my dad) to take it easy with no major workouts.  I'm hoping this doesn't put too much of a damper on my weight loss plan.  I am trying to eat as healthy as possible without taking in too much fiber.  I don't want to let my team down.  Praying that all goes well this next week and that the test shows something next Friday (nothing too serious just something that is easily treated) so I can stop wondering.  Thanks to all of you for the calls, texts, emails, flowers, visits, and prayers!   I love you and am blessed to have you all in my life.  I am also extremely blessed to have the most amazing parents a girl could ask for.  They take good care of me and love me so much.  I would have been even more of a wreck had they not been here to take care of me and keep me calm. (except for the air bubble drama and the freak out in the MRI machine!)  Quit laughing dad!  I love you both and am so thankful for all that you do for me.  I hope you both know how much I appreciate you.  It's times like these where you realize who and what is important in life.   Thanks to all of my important ones!  You know who you are!  <3 p="">
Till next time,

Beck

Fat Be Gone

     So my mom keeps hounding me to post more often.  I am going to make my best effort to post monthly.  I started the Pound Plunge Weight Loss challenge with my cousin and a few friends and I am down 9.6 lbs in two weeks.  I am on my way. After weighing in, I went straight over to the gym and worked out.  2 miles on the treadmill and 1 mile on the bike for a total time of 47 min.  I am also doing weight watchers.   Plus on Mondays, I am trying Yoga.  I hated it but paid for two more sessions to force myself to go.  I am so proud of my resolve and dedication to this.  I vow to lose 80 lbs even if it takes me a year.   My hope is to lose it by July 9th.  That will be 6 mos. and I think that is a reasonable goal as long as I keep at this.  My goal is to lose 3-4 lbs a week.  I am so thankful that my cousin asked me to do this because it was just the motivation that I needed. 
     In other news, Sunday I woke up to a broken fridge.  I had to miss church but lucky for me my Aunt had a fridge for me and my dad was able to help move the old one out and the new one in.  Not sure what I would do without my pops.  He is always there when I need him.  So tonight after the gym, I went to the store and replaced all my healthy groceries that I had lost in the broken fridge fiasco.  So glad that God makes a way for things.  Even though I missed church on Sun. morning, my momma, pops, grammie, and I all went to my Uncle's church.  Technically it is not my Uncle's anymore as he is retired and another great man has taken over.  However, it will always be Uncle Ron's church to me.  It was good to see all the family and friends there and be in the presence of the Holy Spirit. 
     On the school front, I have applied for PreK in the district for next year.  I would prefer the PreK at Davidson but I know God will place me where he wants me.  I am also taking the Early Childhood Sped test on Sat. with Lisa and fingers crossed that goes well so it will add to my options. 
     Sadly a friend from my church passed away last night.  I am very sad for his wife and family.  I know what it feels like to lose someone you love so much.  It is an ache that is so deep, you feel like it will never go away.  All I can say is it gets better with God.  I am praying that he will comfort Bro. Ron's family and give them peace.
     Lastly, my sis and bro n law are on Round Two of their first treatment to try and have a baby.  They should know soon if it worked.  If not, it looks like they will be going the route of IVF which is very costly.  Again I know, God will make a way for them.  He always provides.  I am praying it is in his will for them to have a child soon.   I want a baby niece!  A nephew would be good too!  ;-)
     I guess this is all for now.  I will leave you with this.  The other night, I had just finished doing 1 full hour on the treadmill and when I came upstairs, Payton was standing there.  I told him I just did an hour of workout and he said, "You look skinnier already esp. in your arms!"   Gotta love that kid!

Till next time,

Beck

New Year New Me 2013

Guess I had better start this year off right and blog huh?  As my mom would say, "You haven't blogged in  a while!"  So this one is for you mom!  So after much thought and prayer, I have come up with my New Year's Resolutions for 2013: 1. Do not depend on anyone else for my happiness.(I seem to do this too much now and my disappointment builds with every let down.)  If I am responsible for my own happiness, I can blame no one but myself if things don't do the way I want them.    2. Be a better, more loving, kind, thoughtful person to others.  (We talk about this alot in church but this year, I am really going to try to do this more and to not excpect anything in return.)  3. Make better life choices for my health and get back to the person I know I can be. (I am more unhealthy than ever and weigh my highest weight in my life currently.  I know I will feel so much better and have better luck with #1 if I take my health back.)  4. Be more thankful for all the blessings as well as the tribulations in my life.(It is very easy to be thankful when things are going good in life but not so easy when things are rough.  I am going to use those opportunities to draw closer to God.)  5. Speak my mind more but never in a hurtful way.   (Often times, I want to make my point and don't care who I hurt to do that.  From now on, while speaking how I feel, I am going to be conscious of others feelings in doing so.)  6. Put God first in all things.(Things would be so much easier if I just did this.)  7. Tell friends and family that I love them more. (I have the most amazing friends and famiily and I don't tell or show them enough how much I love them.)  8. Be active and not sedentary. (When I think of how much time I spend in the recliner or laying around watching tv, I am sickened.  Life is what we make of it and I am making it a waste.)  9. Do two things I have always wanted to do but never took the time. (I am trying to learn to play the guitar and take some photography classes.  I've always wanted to do those two things.)  10. Write a book.(I actually started this a few days ago.  I am writing a memoir from my 13 years so far as a teacher.  Look for it to be finished and published in Dec. of 2013!)  There are a lot of other things I want to do but this is a good starting list and definitely the most important ones for my happiness and well being.   To all my friends and family reading this, I love you!  Look for updates this year in my 2013 journey to happiness and great health!

Till next time,

Beck

Hopes, Dreams, and the Bucket List

Lots to say.   Here goes nothing.  So after much prayer and consideration, I have put in an inquiry about adopting a child.  It took a long time and a lot of prayer to come to this decision.  I have wanted to have a child for a long time but being single and doing that is kinda hard.  I thought about artificial insemination but decided against that for multiple reasons.  I decided that there are so many kids in the world that need a loving home, and I have that to offer.  I am also in the middle of contemplating my future as a teacher at Davidson.  Morale is so low and it is not the school/job I once loved so much.  I am looking into other opportunities but one thing is for sure, I am unhappy currently so I need to do something.  Also, due to all the stress at work, I have put on weight and am nearing my heaviest ever.  It is frustrating and depressing.  I promised I would not let myself get this way again.  I have resolved to get my life and health back on track.  Lucky for me, Jake wants to turn his basement into a workout area so we will work at it together.  We both want to change our health for the better.  I am working on getting my house in order too. I have cleaned and emptied the dining room and am going to take it one room at a time.  It is time to purge my life of junk.  I also have a ton of clothes to donate so I need to get that organized.  Dad and I were talking about renovating and building on to my house in the spring.  I realize that if I am going to be single and live here, I want to make it something I am proud of and that I can have friends over to.   So as you can see, I have a ton of hopes and dreams.  I seem to change my mind daily about this or that but these things, I think I have finally settled on.  At 35 years old, it is time to live my life and quit waiting around for something to live it for me.  I have to do what will make me happy.  On a lighter note, I am thinking of taking guitar lessons or youtubing and teaching myself to play.  I also want to get a good camera and try out photography.  Why not?  I am going to do all the things I have ever wanted.  Time for me to start that bucket list.  Since yesterday was Thanksgiving, I just wanted to end with all the things I am thankful for in no particular order:  my parents who taught me to go for my dreams and not let anything stop me, my sister who is my best friend and knows when to cry with me or when to tell me to quit feeling sorry for myself and make my life better, my gram for all the wonderful stories and love, my bro in law for always keeping me on my toes and for loving my sister the way she deserves, Payton for being such a great kid and loving me like his stepmom, Jake for knowing just what to say and when to say it, my church family for their love and acceptance, my friends for standing by me and listening, my dog Barks for his unconditional love,  and most of all for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who loves me despite the mess that I am.

Guess this is it for now.  Till next time,

Beck